My dad just came into my room and shouted at me in Klingon.
Am I more embarrassed that he did that or that I know he said I was a disappointment to the empire?
You should be most embarrassed that you’re a disappointment to the empire.
(I am in my first day of freshman English. Our professor, who stands six foot one and has his head shaved, is famed throughout the college for his pranks.)
Professor: “And do NOT let a cell phone ring in my class. You will regret it.”
(Two weeks into class, a girl’s phone rings in her bag.)
Professor: “Ooh, a phone! Let me answer! Let me answer!”
(He jumps up and down beside the girl’s desk like a little kid, holding out his hand for the phone. Looking like she wants to sink through the floor, the girl digs her phone out and passes it over.)
Girl: “It’s my boyfriend…”
Professor: “Oh, even better!” *answers phone* “Hello? No, it’s not a wrong number. She’s right here. Of course you can talk to her. Hey, honey, roll over!”
(Most of us lose it at this point as the professor, beaming broadly, passes the phone back to the girl. Cringing, she holds it up to her ear and squeaks out five words.)
Girl: “Can I call you back?”
(We were uninterrupted by phones for the remainder of the semester.)Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:
(I notice a customer getting frustrated with his computer while a regular in the booth next to his is struggling valiantly to keep a straight face. Eventually the frustrated customer comes up to the desk.)
Customer: “Your computer ate my skydiving DVD!”
Me: “Are you saying it won’t eject?”
Customer: “No, when I push the button, a tray comes out but it’s empty.”
Me: “The disc drives are all closed units; there’s nowhere it could have gone. I’ll come over and have a look.”
(The disc tray is indeed empty. My regular is staring wide-eyed at his computer monitor while snorting behind his hand. I notice something shining in the gap between the top of the disc tray and the computer case.)
Me: “Sir, did you open the tray before putting your DVD into the computer?”
Customer: “Of course I did! I know how to use a d*** computer!”
(At this my regular is squeezing his eyes shut and going red in the face. I take off the side of the case.)
Me: “Sir, is that your DVD sitting on top of the disc drive?”
Customer: “Yes! Your computers are so cheap and crappy! If it’s damaged my disc, you have to pay for a new one!”
Me: “You must have pushed it into the gap yourself. I’m not buying you a replacement if it’s scratched.”
Customer: “No. I. Didn’t. I told you I’m not a f****** moron. I know how to use a computer!”
(I show the customer that the disc drive is a completely closed unit and not much bigger than a regular CD case.)
Me: “So my computer’s disc drive somehow teleported your DVD outside of itself?”
(At this point my regular completely loses control and laughs so hard I start to wonder if I’m going to need to call an ambulance. The customer snatches at his DVD, missing it and knocking it to the floor while he almost loses his balance and ends up standing on it before storming out. My regular finally manages to calm down enough to breathe properly.)
Regular: “I saw him push it in there. I was waiting for that for 45 d*** minutes.”Read more funny stories at NotAlwaysRight.com!:
After having a conversation about “anger bird” and “amazing mario cousins” like a year ago with kromatone I finally found the appropriate outlet.
reblog and make a wish!
this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.
I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS
LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL
IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS
holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS.
I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT
SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP
WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????
ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE
Reblogging because of the All caps speak
I am still thinking about this
Actually, the fruit of a tree is technically a reproductive organ, since it holds the tree’s seeds and all.
So, it wouldnt be cannabalism, you’d kinda be feeding them their own semen.
I’VE BEEN DRINKING APPLE CUM??
okay now i’ll reblog it
sorry I just wanted to point out that since fruit hold the seeds/ovules they’re technically ovaries and so you’re not drinking apple cum you’re drinking ovary blood
apple semen would be pollen from apple trees and it would just be powdery and awful
You’re really passionate about apples
Actually since fruit is fertilized eggs, you’re drinking liquefied apple fetus.
liquefied apple fetus.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WORSE, APPLE PERIOD BLOOD, APPLE SEMEN OR LIQUEFIED APPLE FETUSES.
This is my favourite post on tumblr
I just got sent this.
It’s a screencap of something on Tumblr.
I fucking can’t
Homophobic Feminists; Coming to a blog near you.
My mom is a travel agent and I can confirm that people are legitimately this stupid when it comes to travel.
"It took us 9 hours to get home to England but the Americans only took 3 hours this is unfair" OH YES LET ME JUST REARRANGE THE GEOGRAPHY OF THE FUCKING PLANET FOR YOU SIR TERRIBLY SORRY
"THE BEACH WAS TOO SANDY."
Please let me just laugh myself to death.
People! I give you the answer as to why this planet is so fucked up.
a pokemon trainer☆
I’m the fucking Demifiend.
Yeah, I think I’ll do fucking alright.
Oerba Yun Fang
Zael from The Last Story.
I think I’m pretty set actually.
…… well depending on if I have my team, I might survive?
I’m Boss from Saint’s Row IV. I’m damn good.